My Life

I graduated today. Fuck yeah. Or, yesterday, since it’s now 1:52 AM here. I still can’t tell you I like you. But fuck am I happy. I graduated. Summer is gonna be fun. Fun and filled with Spanish.

Yeah I’m becoming fluent in that.

A “wallflower” is someone who sees all and knows all, but (nearly always) stays silent. A person who is usually shy with only a handful of close friends, but dozens of acquaintances. Someone who people always thank. Someone who deserves much more than they receive, but is too modest to ask for more. Someone who is afraid to admit their feelings to people, but if they were to find out it wouldn’t bother them much. Someone who is always okay with just enough. Someone who usually lives in a dysfunctional home, someone who thinks a thank you and a smile is the best thing in the world. Even if the person saying it is someone they want, they’ll never ask for more than that. Someone who is usually very interesting, but doesn’t care for anyone to know it. Someone who sits in the corner and lets people find him. Someone who loves to hate people and hates to love them, yet someone who will give you the shirt off their back without even thinking twice. They’re someone who you would refer to as “the nicest person ever”, someone who you may think “deserves more” because they do so much, someone who you may ask “why don’t you have a girlfriend?” to which they may reply, “I dunno, no one likes me enough.” And the person who asked you that question will then go on to tell them how amazing you are, and how much their own lives would be affected should you not exist. The person saying this is precisely the person the wallflower wants, and the person may or may not know it, and yet still usually won’t do anything about it, regardless if they know it or not.

It sounds pretty depressing, doesn’t it? Yeah, it might be. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Seeing other people smile, even at my own expense, makes up for everything and more. The idea that someone’s life is now slightly better because of something I’ve done is absolutely amazing. Giver. Loaner. Call it whatever you like. Loser. Geek. That guy. Whatever. It’s the best. And yeah. Keep to yourself, love few, and laugh at many. Hell yeah.

Someone who would rather stay home on the day of the party, and someone who, if they went, would stick with the one person they know. Someone who doesn’t care that they have 3 close friend but someone who always wishes they had more. Someone who is always willing to try and let new people in their lives, but quickly finds something wrong with them and fakes a smile every time they’re face to face with that person. Someone who always gives advice that they don’t follow, the most common being “just TELL her, god!”

But there are perks. Helping others means you learn from others misfortunes and don’t do them yourself. Having only a few close friends means that you know they’ll always be there for you should you one day need them. Having a dysfunctional home? Awesome. You learn never to do those things that made your home that way. And perhaps the most awesome is being able to spot other wallflowers. Making your “friend zone” full of the most interesting and lovely people you will ever meet in your entire life.

Shit rules son.

This review is coming from a male, who knew of Twilight since the beginning of 2008, when this movie was still being filmed, and *way* before all the hype started. I knew nothing of the books other than a vampire named Edward falls in love with a girl named Bella. Honestly, had it been just that, the books and movie as a whole would have probably turned out way better. *THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS!* Read for the review:

Today’s topic is the Twilight Saga. Everyone loves this shit so I read them all. Yes I did. I read all four of them. Why? Because I saw the movie. The books were bad but the movie was utter shit so I had to read the books because they’re almost always better, obviously. Read on. Read the rest of this entry »

Or just adequate? Mediocre at best? How about when the people who love you the most make you face reality? It smacks you in the face like a brick. It hurts. The pressure. The fear of growing up. The fear of it becoming a reality. It hits you like nothing else. Especially when everyone else you know is doing a’ok on growing up and it feels like they’re just running right on by you, without a care in the world.

It kills me. Even worse than the fear of growing up is the fear of rejection and failure. I don’t want to get into college and fail at the world. I don’t want to be rejected from my schools. I want to take everything one step at a time. But you can’t do that. Not with getting older. There’s no “in the now”, there’s only “plan out all 4 years in advance”.

Fuck. I hate everything.

Read more Read the rest of this entry »

You’re very smart. Read the rest of this entry »

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

My Xbox360 has them and I have to fix it myself since the console is modded and out of any warrenty it might have had. Awesome.

I have my future to worry about. I cant be suckered into dealing with shitty personal feelings. FEELINGS SUCK. And therefore, will be ignored until I figure some stuff out about my future, like what I’m doing with it. I’ve been so stressed lately thinking about personal crap that my eyelids are twitching as I type this… and that’s when I know it’s time to calm down.

Yes, feelings suck. Yes, my future is more important, which is why I’m writing this. It’s time, for once, to worry about something actually important rather than my definition of important. College, my future… those things are important. My personal relationships with people are not. As of late, I’ve been thinking about the latter too much.
Look, as much as I hate the relationship with the girl I’m in, the girl herself has her moments, so this isn’t easy. But it’s gotta be done, sorry. I hope she’s able to understand that, and if she isn’t it’s too bad. But it’s something I have to do, and have wanted to talk about for a while now with her, but shit keeps coming up at the wrong time, and it makes me look like an asshole when I’m not… all I am is a scared kid.

Then there’s that other person… I hope it all works out for you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You know we’ll find each other somewhere along the line right? After all… you did say this:
[10/25/2008 3:46:41 PM] XXXX says: it’s crazy
[10/25/2008 3:46:42 PM] XXXX says: I think
[10/25/2008 3:46:50 PM] XXXX says: you have to be my soulmate
If we found each other by chance and luck once, it’ll happen again. So, for now… I wish you the best of luck… and when I say everything works out I mean it. Because, we WILL cross paths again, and I know that for fact, for 2 reasons:

One is, the quote.

Two is, it’s not like we’re gonna ever stop talking to each other so it may be slightly easier than before to cross paths. I love you so much. You might just be the reason my eyelids don’t twitch.
But alas, I have to worry about my future first, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

This was gonna be called 50 truths about me, but I highly doubt I can make it to that number unless I include some confessions in here too. Read the rest of this entry »